Arkan's Blog

Confused ..

2008-09-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

I am really confused right now, ... in my practical life i find myself a successful person, even though am still an undergraduate student in SQU i have a part time job, that pays really well, and most likely after i graduate i will find a full time job easily, i am really glad that my practical life is a success and i thank god for it everyday, however i find myself a complete failure in other things, such as the relationships and emotional sides of my life, ... why do i keep coming back to her? clearly she doesnt want me, but why am i still thinking that i need to be near her. am sick of thinking about it. i know that long down the road that this thing will most likely ruin my whole life, .... but i CANT stop it ... am trying to think "ok, look just forget about everything and live ur life, ur a good person and u found success so dont ruin it!!!" .. but its not working, it really isnt, ..... now things are ok between us .... more or less atleast, .. i mean i can talk to her and she talks back and we chat and send smses sometimes, not like before though, ... hope things doesnt get worst then this, ... and hope things gets better then this, ... for me anyways ..

Life is not bearable ..

2008-09-11T02:08:00.000-07:00

without you, life is not bearable, .. i am trying my best to hold myself and to not break down .. its really hard, .. the most difficult thing about this is that i don't understand why do i deserve this ... i did every possible thing to fix the mistakes i made, i apologized and asked for a another chance, if i meant even a little thing to you, you would have gave me the chance i asked for, ... but you didn't, .. does that mean i don't mean to you anything anymore? i find this hard to comprehend, if thats true, than i am mistaken because i made you a priority in my life, while i am just an option to you, .. a bad option if i may add, ... its sad, because deep inside i know you make me happy, . and i know that deep inside you, you know that i make you happy, ... and above all that i know that there is no one thing that is broken cannot be fixed, we went through lots of problems before, .. problems similar to this one, .. and we went through it and moved on, ... all that makes me very confused about you insisting on not giving me last chance, you say it always happens, .. and that i always ask for another chances, but i never asked you for a LAST chance before. all the things i made means nothing to you apparently, ... its sad

Nothing is more complicated than my life ...

2008-09-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

One day am happy, .. one day am sad, ... one day am angry, .. one day am relaxed, ... what drives me crazy is that i dont know what influences me to be like this, .. is it because of my age? .. am 21 years old am way over teenage to say that its normal ... it is because that i need someone close to me so i can share my pain and sorrow with? .. maybe but i have got some friends who stands beside me when the bad thing happens. i started to think that something is wrong with me, not with the world, .. i started to think that i have multiple personalities, ... but to think of it, .. who doesnt? i mean all people have 2 faces, .. they deal with people differently and even they deal with the same people differently in a different time, .... or do they? .. what does that even mean? Lol .. why is the life simple? .. u know its never like "if you want something and you have what it takes then u gonna get it" .. noo, .. there always have to be little nasty things that messes everything up for u. am trying to make people understand me, .. but apparently they never do, the ones that say "i understand you" they say it to make me feel better, .. but in realty they really dont, HELL i dont understand myself how could other people do??